The "No Questions Asked Rule"

[mahogany]

So I know that the kids are still young, but I’d be lying if I said that we haven’t considered what we’re going to do when they hit teenagehood. On the one hand, we’re both want a better relationship than we had with our parents. On the other hand, we want to make sure that the kids don’t confuse our understanding where they’re coming from, with condoning some of the things they might do.

Which brings me to the “No Questions Asked Policy”. Some of my friends in highschool had this happening with their parents. And in speaking with friends of mine that have teenaged children now, this philsophy is very much alive and well. If they were out and they had had too much to drink, or something had gone awry, they were to call their parents, and the parents would come get them - no questions asked. With some of my firends this acually worked pretty well. They were sensible kids who occassionally took things too far, and the parents stuck to their word (although it must have been hell), and didn’t ask questions, and didn’t bring up the incident.

But there were a few weren’t so level headed and they got into some pretty heavy drugs in a big way. At what point does the getting my kids home safely, and keeping open lines of communication turn into condoning dangerous behaviour, or enabling them? At what point should a parent break that trust?

Comments

[kishiriadgr.livejournal.com]

Steve and I have talked about this, although kids are highly unlikely for us. We believe in respecting the privacy of a teenager's room until said teen gives "probable cause". My brother in law always respected his kids' privacy until his older daughter was caught shoplifting. He did search her room then, because he thought she might have stolen goods in there, and she did.

[mahogany.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that seems like a reasonable guideline to me.

I guess I'm thinking about a sitution where for example, I pick up the kids from a party and their eyes look glassy, or they're licking their lips like crazy, or there's some other sign that they've done something (or that their friends have done something - whew, and that's whole other subject...) a lot heavier than just drink too much and maybe smoke a bit of weed (though the first time I tried it, unbeknowst to me it was laced with PCP). I have to say, I'm scared to death of things like Crystal Meth. I think that certain things aren't "just experimenting" because there is no experimenting with something that addictive. Do I ask? Do I bite my lip (but keep my promise), and totally jump tp conclusions and immediately book a six month family vacation to somewhere totally random and isolated?

[kishiriadgr.livejournal.com]

I don't think that scenario would ever come up in real life. Those are the scenarios that happen when they find their own rides home.

Steve's parents had the policy when it came to drinking that they'd pick him or his brother up...but they'd go back for the car the next morning at 6.

[mahogany.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you're probably right. They'd probably find their own ride home. Gack! That's a frightening thought.

[machy.livejournal.com]

I loved the rule that my parents had. I of course didn't like it growing up, but now that I am a parent, I plan on practicing the same rule. Basically it was that I had a curfew and I was expected to be home by that curfew. They told me up front that at random times, they would be up waiting for me. It was those random times that I better be okay. I never knew when they were going to be up and if I came home in any way shape or form "messed up" (which for me was drinking and occasional pot) then I had to deal with whatever consequences they gave me. It definetly kept me on the straight and narrow. As far as coming to get me no questions asked, that wasn't a rule at all. My parents some how made me feel secure enough that I knew I could call them, and I did on a couple of occasions. Both times, they didn't ask any questions that night or perhaps for a few days afterwards. They would wait until they percieved that I was ready to talk about it and then they approached it with me. I loved it that they talked to me about it. It let me know that my behavior did have consequences, but at the same time that my parents loved me and would respect me growing up. I too am concerned about teenagehood and I pray everyday that somehow I build the good foundation during childhood that would lend itself to open communication during the "difficult" years.

p.s. is that a picture of you on your icon?

[mahogany.livejournal.com]

It sounds like your parents had built a pretty strong foundation. I guess a lot of our fears stem from the fact that we didn't have that kind of trust relationship with our parents, so it's a source of some anxiety. But yeah, I agree with you, that the solid foundation now is totally one of the keys.

The lady in my default user pic is my favorite opera singer - Leontyne Price (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leontyne_Price). She's long retired, but in my eyes, she hasn't had an equal, and she's the reason that I love Verdi. The photo I'm using right now is me (well, me two years ago with a helluva lot of makeup and a great photographer). :-)

[waiting4it2snow.livejournal.com]

you're just as beautiful as I thought you would be! :)

[mahogany.livejournal.com]

Awww. You're so sweet. I look a bit different now, though. My hair is short, and I wear it in a spiky 'fro.

[gentlemaitresse.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad I saw this comment so I could see your photo. You are beautiful, though you're younger than I'd pictured you. :-)

[mahogany.livejournal.com]

That's very kind on both fronts, thank you. I'm 31.

Perhaps you formed the impression of my being older from my user pics. They're all female musicians that are either old now, or dead (Well, except for Grace Jones. I think she's middle aged).

[machy.livejournal.com]

I am embarressed I didn't know that. You are beautiful. :)

[gentlemaitresse.livejournal.com]

That's the key, I think - building a good foundation during the earlier years.

I have a 22 year old who doesn't smoke or drink or do drugs, though I'm sure he's tried some of all of it. I know he tried cigarettes and alcohol. But he's got a good career and he's a good person.

I have an 18 year old who likes an occasional sip of wine, but has no desire to try anything harder than that. She's too involved in wholesome interests to care about going out and getting fuzzy-headed. :-)

[mahogany.livejournal.com]

That's one of the reasons that I love having you on my f/l, some of your kids are older, so I get the benefit of reading about your experiences. :-)

[gentlemaitresse.livejournal.com]

Thanks. That's why I bring up their ages. I'm so surprised by how they turned out sometimes! Especially my son. Coming from a "broken home", he really had problems when he was younger.

[waiting4it2snow.livejournal.com]

I can't even think about the teenage years now, lol... definitely cross that bridge when we are closer to it. I have my hands full ordering my life right now... but I liked what machy had to say about having a close enough relationship with your kids to be confident that they can be honest with you.

[mahogany.livejournal.com]

I guess I'm jumping the gun by a few years :-). Mind you, the last six years have been a blur, so we'll be into the teenage in no time at all.

[catdraco.livejournal.com]

Working with teens on Schoolies Week (as I do every year - "Schoolies Week" is an abomination a rite of passage for teens who've just finished high school - it's basically a week of unrestricted partying. Anyway... I have found that the most important message a teen can have when they're out experimenting is that they can always call home for rescue. No matter what time, how far away, or how badly they've crossed the line.

I had that, growing up. I knew that there would be some cases in which I'd be in serious trouble - but I also always knew that firstly, my parents would come and rescue me, and secondly, they'd eventually calm down. I think it's the middle ground - yes, you will always be there to bail your kids out, but they can't expect (as I never expected) that some things would go unchallenged. That's one of the ways I knew my parents loved me.


I love the comment above: we'll come and pick you up if you get drunk, but you're coming along to pick up the car at 6am... perfect! That's what I call 'natural justice'. =)

[mahogany.livejournal.com]

I take it that you work with you in some capacity?

I've drilled it into my kids heads that no matter how upset I might be with their behaviour, there is nothing that they could do that would make me stop loving them.

[catdraco.livejournal.com]

That is the best thing you can do for them. I was at a ministry conference last weekend, and in a session on "marriage, family, and ministry" a woman was talking about her son, who is 16, in a goth band (though she never quite managed to say the word "goth"), and she's terrified that although he's on the straight and narrow now that he'll get into drugs etc (because all his bandmates are, or kids who wear black do drugs, or whatever it was that was concerning her). I told her that, based on my experiences, what parents do isn't so much about teaching their kids not to make mistakes - it's setting the foundation so that no matter what, their kids have an anchor to return to. I really believe that, mostly because that's how it worked for me. I had a pregnancy scare once when I was a teenager, and while the doctor and I were waiting for the result, he asked me if I'd get any support from home if I actually was pregnant. Despite knowing that my parents would have absolutely hit the roof, I said honestly, "Of course!" He raised an eyebrow at me, and I said, "Well, they'll calm down, and then it will be fine."

I don't work at all, in the wage-earning sense. However I do volunteer regularly with an organisation called Rosies. Generally I do street outreach, but every year I do a week (this year, two weeks!) full-time over Schoolies Week, which is in late November.

So I work with youth as I come across them on street outreach (though of course there are teenage/early twenties volunteers on the team I lead, but there are as many older people as youth there). I used to also do Youth Detention Centre (juvie) visitation (also with Rosies), and I'd like to pick that up again if I can. The majority of the youth work I do though is during Schoolies Week, and most of it is spent holding emesis bags, rubbing backs, and holding hair out of the way. Oh, and reassuring these kids that they're not actually going to die, even though they'll wish they had in the morning. ;)

During Schoolies Week, I see teens at their best and at their worst, often at the same time - the kid who's taken drugs or whatever and really isn't coping, and their sober mate who'll spend all night sitting with them instead of having fun, even though we're there. The very worst cases, though, are always the ones where the teenager/s in question refuse to call home for help, because they know they won't get any. And that's the saddest stuff of all - most parents will come to collect their teenager if we call them, and generally they're just glad that their kid is okay. It's scary how often kids are right, though - meaning their parents have no sympathy whatsoever, and say something like "well, they made their bed, they can lie in it". When we're talking about seventeen year olds, it's really serious stuff.

[nightynight.livejournal.com]

I really wish my parents had given me the 'call anytime for a ride no questions asked', because there were times I was at risk and as frightening as it is to say this, drunk driving was the norm in small town AB where I grew up. I think and hope that is better now.

One thing that I've noticed that is cool among my younger friends is that they are always very concerned about whether people are good to drive and will insist on paying for cabs or sleeping over if people don't seem good. And having a good group of friends makes that safer.

I think the lesson is to say that friends support each others' safety and if there is a sense that is not occurring to just watch that relationship out.

As for preventing experimentation, I am not sure what on earth can be done about that. Information is power, and accurate information is ideal. I worry about dire warnings against marijuana and whether some kids try that drug, realize that they simply felt peaceful, happy, and really liked that concert they went to, and wonder what else they are missing. One thing that my friend does that is kind of interesting is talk with her kid about how very, very sad drug addiction is, and also how the people who make the money off these drugs (though I cannot realistically apply this to marijuana) are the same people involved in organized crime (ie. who enslave women through prostitution, engage in revenge murder, and seek to undermine the health of our society).

so my opinion which is probably worth little, since I have no kids, is that realistic ongoing dialogue from an early age is a great idea.

There is a fantastic Crystal meth ad on TV in alberta that I swear scares the shit out of everyone I know. 2nd ad/media file at this website:
http://corp.aadac.com/other_drugs/the_basics_about_other_drugs/crystal_meth_resources.asp

[mahogany.livejournal.com]

That's a great ad.

Doesn't matter if you don't have kids. Your opinion doesn't matter. And besides, I don't have teenagers, and I'm still writing and worrying about what to do, so....

As you know, I grew up in Northern Alberta, so drinking and driving was unfortunately very much a part of the scene. Thankfully, in my ultraconservative square high school in Edmonton, there was always a designated driver (I guess it wasn't THAT conservative if there was that much underage drinking). But, yeah among my peers it has always been a standard thing.

Maybe there's a generational thing going on though. I had a group of friends (all males) that were about 12-15 years my senior. And I would almost always stay sober when I was out with them (they couldn't be trusted to stay sober, that's for sure), and you know, I would have to BEG them to give me the keys and let me drive. Every single time for five years we would have the same argument. Also, one of my best friends (female) that's about twelve years my senior was really bad for driving drunk (she doesn't do it anymore), but when she was in her early thirties, boy did we ever have some arguments as I was trying to get her keys and get her into my car.

[mahogany.livejournal.com]

Eek! What I meant to write was that you opinion DOES matter to me. In fact, I hold your in opinion in very high regard.