The "No Questions Asked Rule"

[mahogany]

So I know that the kids are still young, but I’d be lying if I said that we haven’t considered what we’re going to do when they hit teenagehood. On the one hand, we’re both want a better relationship than we had with our parents. On the other hand, we want to make sure that the kids don’t confuse our understanding where they’re coming from, with condoning some of the things they might do.

Which brings me to the “No Questions Asked Policy”. Some of my friends in highschool had this happening with their parents. And in speaking with friends of mine that have teenaged children now, this philsophy is very much alive and well. If they were out and they had had too much to drink, or something had gone awry, they were to call their parents, and the parents would come get them - no questions asked. With some of my firends this acually worked pretty well. They were sensible kids who occassionally took things too far, and the parents stuck to their word (although it must have been hell), and didn’t ask questions, and didn’t bring up the incident.

But there were a few weren’t so level headed and they got into some pretty heavy drugs in a big way. At what point does the getting my kids home safely, and keeping open lines of communication turn into condoning dangerous behaviour, or enabling them? At what point should a parent break that trust?

Comments

[kishiriadgr.livejournal.com]

Steve and I have talked about this, although kids are highly unlikely for us. We believe in respecting the privacy of a teenager's room until said teen gives "probable cause". My brother in law always respected his kids' privacy until his older daughter was caught shoplifting. He did search her room then, because he thought she might have stolen goods in there, and she did.

[machy.livejournal.com]

I loved the rule that my parents had. I of course didn't like it growing up, but now that I am a parent, I plan on practicing the same rule. Basically it was that I had a curfew and I was expected to be home by that curfew. They told me up front that at random times, they would be up waiting for me. It was those random times that I better be okay. I never knew when they were going to be up and if I came home in any way shape or form "messed up" (which for me was drinking and occasional pot) then I had to deal with whatever consequences they gave me. It definetly kept me on the straight and narrow. As far as coming to get me no questions asked, that wasn't a rule at all. My parents some how made me feel secure enough that I knew I could call them, and I did on a couple of occasions. Both times, they didn't ask any questions that night or perhaps for a few days afterwards. They would wait until they percieved that I was ready to talk about it and then they approached it with me. I loved it that they talked to me about it. It let me know that my behavior did have consequences, but at the same time that my parents loved me and would respect me growing up. I too am concerned about teenagehood and I pray everyday that somehow I build the good foundation during childhood that would lend itself to open communication during the "difficult" years.

p.s. is that a picture of you on your icon?

[waiting4it2snow.livejournal.com]

I can't even think about the teenage years now, lol... definitely cross that bridge when we are closer to it. I have my hands full ordering my life right now... but I liked what machy had to say about having a close enough relationship with your kids to be confident that they can be honest with you.

[catdraco.livejournal.com]

Working with teens on Schoolies Week (as I do every year - "Schoolies Week" is an abomination a rite of passage for teens who've just finished high school - it's basically a week of unrestricted partying. Anyway... I have found that the most important message a teen can have when they're out experimenting is that they can always call home for rescue. No matter what time, how far away, or how badly they've crossed the line.

I had that, growing up. I knew that there would be some cases in which I'd be in serious trouble - but I also always knew that firstly, my parents would come and rescue me, and secondly, they'd eventually calm down. I think it's the middle ground - yes, you will always be there to bail your kids out, but they can't expect (as I never expected) that some things would go unchallenged. That's one of the ways I knew my parents loved me.


I love the comment above: we'll come and pick you up if you get drunk, but you're coming along to pick up the car at 6am... perfect! That's what I call 'natural justice'. =)

[nightynight.livejournal.com]

I really wish my parents had given me the 'call anytime for a ride no questions asked', because there were times I was at risk and as frightening as it is to say this, drunk driving was the norm in small town AB where I grew up. I think and hope that is better now.

One thing that I've noticed that is cool among my younger friends is that they are always very concerned about whether people are good to drive and will insist on paying for cabs or sleeping over if people don't seem good. And having a good group of friends makes that safer.

I think the lesson is to say that friends support each others' safety and if there is a sense that is not occurring to just watch that relationship out.

As for preventing experimentation, I am not sure what on earth can be done about that. Information is power, and accurate information is ideal. I worry about dire warnings against marijuana and whether some kids try that drug, realize that they simply felt peaceful, happy, and really liked that concert they went to, and wonder what else they are missing. One thing that my friend does that is kind of interesting is talk with her kid about how very, very sad drug addiction is, and also how the people who make the money off these drugs (though I cannot realistically apply this to marijuana) are the same people involved in organized crime (ie. who enslave women through prostitution, engage in revenge murder, and seek to undermine the health of our society).

so my opinion which is probably worth little, since I have no kids, is that realistic ongoing dialogue from an early age is a great idea.

There is a fantastic Crystal meth ad on TV in alberta that I swear scares the shit out of everyone I know. 2nd ad/media file at this website:
http://corp.aadac.com/other_drugs/the_basics_about_other_drugs/crystal_meth_resources.asp