forced invites

[mahogany]

When I was in the sixth grade, one of the girls in my grade threw a huge party and invitied everyone in the grade except me. It was not an oversight. As I’ve mentioned before, I wasn’t exactly a popular gal growing up in redneck Northern Alberta. I still remember it, and although I was pretty upset at the time, it didn’t ruin my life or anything (although, it certainly left enough of a mark that I still remember it). It’s just one of those things that is shitty about small towns.

Apparently, there is a school in New Foundland that has banned party invitations from being handed out on school property for exactly those kinds of reasons. I makes more sense to me than the schools that insist that party invitations be handed out to the entire class, or that Valentine’s Day or Christmas class be handed out to the entire class, or not at all.

For as much as I hated all the bullshit that I went through, I still think it’s absurd to force people to be inclusive. Maybe it’s because I hated being on the receiving end of forced charity even more than I hated being ostracized. It also strikes me as the school infringing on what should be a private matter.

I guess the intent behind it, is to curtail some of the passive aggressive forms of bullying. I understand that the intentions are good. And heaven knows that when my kids are in a situation where they’re just not fitting in, it wounds me so deeply, that it actually causes me physical pain - like a steel band is being tightened around my heart. But still, I believe that people have the right to choose their associates.

Children need our help, but is this the way to do it? Shouldn’t we be teaching our kids to cope with rejection? Shouldn’t we be teaching our kids that it’s extremely mean spirited to exclude just one person when everyone else is invited? Shouldn’t we be teaching our kids to boycott scenarious that are unjust and deliberately designed to hurt one of their peers? How can we teach them all of this if we’re living in an era of forced nicety? What is the answer?

[Poll #788580]

Comments

[catdraco.livejournal.com]

I couldn't respond to your question about responsibility, because I think that dealing with bullying is the responsibility of everyone who notices it.

[mahogany.livejournal.com]

I actually made an error in creating the poll. If I had used check boxes, people would have been able to tick more than one. By using radio buttons, I have forced people to choose one, and that wasn't my intent.

That being said, I do recognize that you're making a subtly different point, and FWIW, I agree.

[catdraco.livejournal.com]

Yeah, if you'd used check boxes I'd probably have ticked them all. Ticking the box marked 'victim' would have made me feel uncomfortable, though... it's true that victims can and must act to deal with bullying as well, but by saying that victims have responsibility to that level it can sound like blame... and that's a horribly unjust concept.

FYI, I was bullied consistently at school between the ages of about 10 and 17. In hindsight, I probably didn't make anything worse for myself (I tried to ignore bullying tactics and not respond at all), but I didn't think my response was terribly effective - they just kept on doing what they were doing and I was their whipping-girl. What's interesting though is that in recent years I've come in contact with some women who were younger than me at school, and they remember me as totally kickarse, because I would step in and protect younger girls from younger bullies. Funny, huh? I remember myself as being totally cowed by the girls who were bullying me.

I dunno. Sometimes I think I'm a better person from dealing with all that crap when I was younger. Certainly, when I was a dorm mistress for a while, it gave me the ability and the motivation to crush any bullying behaviour I saw in the dorms, and that's a good thing.

But just occasionally, almost 15 years later, I find myself dreaming of the day when I show them... and I wonder if I'll ever completely let it go.

[mahogany.livejournal.com]

Ticking the box marked 'victim' would have made me feel uncomfortable, though... it's true that victims can and must act to deal with bullying as well, but by saying that victims have responsibility to that level it can sound like blame... and that's a horribly unjust concept.

It certainly sounds pretty harsh to suggest that the victims are responsible for dealing with the fact that they're being bullied. When I added victims to the poll, I was thinking more about the victims of bullying bringing it the attention of an adult before it escalates (particularly some of the violent forms of bullying), and also being willing to allow that adult to intervene or advocate for them. In some cases, kids are hesistant to ask for adult assistance, or allow the adults to intervene because they're too embarrassed, or they fear an escalation in the bullying, or they're so desperate for acceptance that they see any adult intervention as sabotage their chances of ever being accepted.

So while I don't think that the victims are responsible for other children's poor behaviour, I do think that they need to be willing to cooperate in whatever small capacity they can - even if it's just asking for help - to resolve the issue.

[daisan.livejournal.com]

The problem with the school's "solution" is that it doesn't erase the possibility that a kid will invite everyone in his class except one or two kids. It just makes sure that the invitations aren't handed out where the teacher can see. So the possibility for ostracism is still there without the subsequent opportunity for a talk about not excluding people.

I don't think the schools need to do anything specific to combat this issue. If a teacher notices a child is being excluded, then the teacher should address the issue. If a parent realizes all kids except one are being invited, the parent should address the issue. But forced invitations and banned invitations just kind of skirt the problem without solving anything. So what's the point?

Schools are weird that way, though. Kaden's montessori says that birthday and holiday treats are welcome, but there must be enough for all the children and it must be in its original commercial packaging. I guess I can see health reasons why they can't accept homemade cookies or brownies or whatever, but COME ON. I can't send my kid to school with homemade cupcakes on his birthday, but I can send him with 25 Hostess Twinkies?

[mahogany.livejournal.com]

Don't mind me, I'm just picking my jaw off the floor. I totally understand the health issues, and I totally understand that some kids have potentially fatal allergies etc. But still...wow...things have sure changed. :/

The thing with the whole birthday party invitation thing is excatly as you put it, skirting the issue. And further, even if kids are forced to invite a kid, or whatever, they'll find other ways of humiliating or otherwise making their dislike for that child well known - unless of course the root of the problem is treated.

[lovejunk.livejournal.com]

I agree with daisan above- it doesn't eliminate the exclusion, it just tries to remove the school from responsibility for it. There's a big difference between a child inviting, say, 5 or 10 kids from a classroom as opposed to inviting everyone except 1 child. And most parents and teachers can find ways to address this appropriately.

But in the end, yes, I think it's ultimately my responsibility to teach my children how to deal with assholish behaviour of any sort, whether it's them being excluded, or trying to practice it, or being a bystander to it.

I grew up in a similar setting to yours though. And I hardly feel scarred or traumatised by childhood exclusions (though yes, occasionally bitter!). But it's also the reason I try to put an emphasis on giving my children the tools to survive feeling like an outsider, as opposed to trying to create a bubble world where their acceptance is guaranteed.

[mahogany.livejournal.com]

But it's also the reason I try to put an emphasis on giving my children the tools to survive feeling like an outsider, as opposed to trying to create a bubble world where their acceptance is guaranteed.

YES, YES, and YES!!!