Thing 238 that I find difficult about my faith...

[mahogany]

I hate all kinds of suffering - particularly my own. I fear it. I dread it. I avoid it where ever possible. I cannot bear the thought of my loved ones suffering either. I've had my ups and downs and hurts, but really, I've lead a fairly suffering free life, and my some of my worst suffering was largely self-inflicted, or was a result of the consequences of poor judgment and my straying from the right path. I don't know if suffering can be measured, but if it could, I think my overall suffering compared to what some people have to endure is miniscule. I know this, and yet I whinge about my hardships. If I really, deep down, accepted the redemptive power of suffering, would I not then have the courage accept my life's trials and tribulations with more grace? Shouldn't I trust that I will not be given more than I can bear?

I find it really difficult to really say, and believe, "Not my will, but yours be done." That is a level of spiritual enlightenment, that I do not know if I will ever attain. Why is it that I am so focused on this life here on earth?

I've been reading about last weeks gospel - particularly the spot where Jesus says, "Anyone who comes to me without hating father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters, yes and his own life too, cannot be my disciple," to try to get my mind around the whole thing, and figure out what I'm really supposed to take away from this, and what hatred of self in the biblical sense really means.

The reality is that I am stuck. I don't understand it, and I don't feel like I can do it. I am ashamed of myself. I at least be mentally prepared to give everything up to follow God, but I'm not ready. I'm not mentally or emotionally there, and the thought that I might never be ready to be a true disciple of Jesus makes me so sad.

Comments

[randomdreams.livejournal.com]

I'm coming at this from the standpoint of being vaguely agnostic but still living in what I believe is a Christian lifestyle.
If you believe Jesus is the son of God and accept him as your savior, you're a disciple. It's a great idea to be a Christian -- to live in a way that reflects the teachings of Jesus -- but it is impossible for anyone to actually do that: we just get as close as we can, right?
If you're capable of identifying the areas where you have trouble doing this, and thinking about them, you're ahead of a lot of people.

[nightynight.livejournal.com]

Our pastor said that the word hate there strongly emphasizes that while we may have things in our life that are all very important, there is nothing more important than our relationship to God, and recommended thinking about whether we were willing to bear the weight the judgment of society or the judgment even coming from our family because of the fact we are Christians. It was a good one, because I had no idea what to make of that gospel.

Don't forget this part! "love your neighbour as yourself". notice we are being asked in this tiny passage to love ourselves, too. you are God's creation and you are perfect in his sight.

[daisan.livejournal.com]

The way I read that passage, God is so good, so pure, so loving, so perfect, that there is nothing in this life that can compare to him. He doesn't want us to go around despising the life he gave us: it's a gift we should treasure. Nor does he want us to reject the people He has put in our lives: He says whatsoever we do for the least of these, we have done for Him. Clearly, we are called to love and serve our fellow man.

But everything must be in its proper place. God alone is to be worshiped and obeyed. When His will conflicts with a relationship we have on earth, we must put God first. I personally don't think that means that we always reject the relationship, but rather that our comfort and our hope is in God, and that we don't rely on others to fill us with the love we need from Him.

That being said, I struggle with this SO MUCH. It is very very difficult for me to put God above my marriage because I depend on Dan's love. I have all sorts of Daddy issues, as you know, and I really think that there has been a hole in my heart that Dan filled, and I can't imagine being without that love to form me as a person. The idea that I should rely entirely on God just doesn't mesh with the reality of what I need in life. If I didn't have Dan...I just would not be happy.

So I struggle. I feel very immature in my faith in this respect as well. I don't want to fall apart whenever we have a fight. I want to rely on God's love as my anchor and not on this fleeting, imperfect and worldly relationship. Yet I know in my heart that it's Dan who fills me, and when he isn't doing enough to make me feel loved, I lose all my sense of self-worth.

It's very tough to be a Christian. At the core, I think, has to be a sense that this life and this world is not what really matters. In heaven all our earthly bonds will be gone, and we will simply be souls in the presence of Christ. If that's not what we want...if we want our relationships with other people more than we want God, then we can't truly experience heaven. I see that passage as more of a mindset than a lifestyle. I mean, while we're on earth, it's all about our relationships isn't it? That's the human condition: relating to other humans and caring for the Earth and its creatures.

Dramatic hyperbole?

[toezontheground.livejournal.com]

Hi, you may remember me in a previous incarnation :) ...

"Anyone who comes to me without hating father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters, yes and his own life too, cannot be my disciple,"

Mmmmm. Given that Jesus didn't really much seem to be into hate, my guess would be that this is dramatic hyperbole to emphasise the essential need for the primacy of the commitment to the truth of "God".

I don't call myself a Christian, and my focus on matters spiritual has waned in recent years, but talking with a visiting friend recently, I wondered how much that has to do with not having around me people I love who care about matters spiritual...which casts an interesting light on the quote too.

[joie-fatale.livejournal.com]

Not to put words in God's mouth, but part of the suffering is not merely we reap what we sow, but because Satan is the world's first and biggest jerk, he will throw obsticles in our way to discourage us. which means when suffering happens and you know you've been doing waht God wants you to, then know you helped extinguis satan's plan.

On the whole giving it all up for God, well, I am not sure I could mentally prep myself for that. It is one thing I pray for--that i could be able to do so if God asked me too--but with reluctance. I feel like life right now is too good to be true. but i want God to speak audibly like he did to Moses and them with HIS voice, not another person's...that's stubborn of me. anyway, i don't think this means you should feel ashamed, the important part is that you follow god's will and ask him for help. which i know is easier said than done, but he will help you so that his will WILL be done in his timing!