Sep. 10th, 2010

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A song that makes me want to break stuff.

Do they mean a song that is so wretchedly awful that I want to break stuff because I so deeply resent being subjected to it? Or do they mean an awesome song that taps into my inner moody teenager, and sends me into some kind of weird irresponsible frenzy that might include the urge to break stuff? I'm going with the latter, and posting a song that reminds me completely of my first year of university.

This has been a surprisingly fun little exercise. I've taken many trips down memory lane, and listened to many tunes that I haven't heard in ages.

Today's song was a fairly widely played song (back in the day), but just in case you're not familiar with it, I'm issuing a parent advisory on this one, and definitely NSFW.
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I hate all kinds of suffering - particularly my own. I fear it. I dread it. I avoid it where ever possible. I cannot bear the thought of my loved ones suffering either. I've had my ups and downs and hurts, but really, I've lead a fairly suffering free life, and my some of my worst suffering was largely self-inflicted, or was a result of the consequences of poor judgment and my straying from the right path. I don't know if suffering can be measured, but if it could, I think my overall suffering compared to what some people have to endure is miniscule. I know this, and yet I whinge about my hardships. If I really, deep down, accepted the redemptive power of suffering, would I not then have the courage accept my life's trials and tribulations with more grace? Shouldn't I trust that I will not be given more than I can bear?

I find it really difficult to really say, and believe, "Not my will, but yours be done." That is a level of spiritual enlightenment, that I do not know if I will ever attain. Why is it that I am so focused on this life here on earth?

I've been reading about last weeks gospel - particularly the spot where Jesus says, "Anyone who comes to me without hating father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters, yes and his own life too, cannot be my disciple," to try to get my mind around the whole thing, and figure out what I'm really supposed to take away from this, and what hatred of self in the biblical sense really means.

The reality is that I am stuck. I don't understand it, and I don't feel like I can do it. I am ashamed of myself. I at least be mentally prepared to give everything up to follow God, but I'm not ready. I'm not mentally or emotionally there, and the thought that I might never be ready to be a true disciple of Jesus makes me so sad.

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