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Thing 238 that I find difficult about my faith...
I hate all kinds of suffering - particularly my own. I fear it. I dread it. I avoid it where ever possible. I cannot bear the thought of my loved ones suffering either. I've had my ups and downs and hurts, but really, I've lead a fairly suffering free life, and my some of my worst suffering was largely self-inflicted, or was a result of the consequences of poor judgment and my straying from the right path. I don't know if suffering can be measured, but if it could, I think my overall suffering compared to what some people have to endure is miniscule. I know this, and yet I whinge about my hardships. If I really, deep down, accepted the redemptive power of suffering, would I not then have the courage accept my life's trials and tribulations with more grace? Shouldn't I trust that I will not be given more than I can bear?
I find it really difficult to really say, and believe, "Not my will, but yours be done." That is a level of spiritual enlightenment, that I do not know if I will ever attain. Why is it that I am so focused on this life here on earth?
I've been reading about last weeks gospel - particularly the spot where Jesus says, "Anyone who comes to me without hating father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters, yes and his own life too, cannot be my disciple," to try to get my mind around the whole thing, and figure out what I'm really supposed to take away from this, and what hatred of self in the biblical sense really means.
The reality is that I am stuck. I don't understand it, and I don't feel like I can do it. I am ashamed of myself. I at least be mentally prepared to give everything up to follow God, but I'm not ready. I'm not mentally or emotionally there, and the thought that I might never be ready to be a true disciple of Jesus makes me so sad.
I find it really difficult to really say, and believe, "Not my will, but yours be done." That is a level of spiritual enlightenment, that I do not know if I will ever attain. Why is it that I am so focused on this life here on earth?
I've been reading about last weeks gospel - particularly the spot where Jesus says, "Anyone who comes to me without hating father, mother, wife, children, brothers, sisters, yes and his own life too, cannot be my disciple," to try to get my mind around the whole thing, and figure out what I'm really supposed to take away from this, and what hatred of self in the biblical sense really means.
The reality is that I am stuck. I don't understand it, and I don't feel like I can do it. I am ashamed of myself. I at least be mentally prepared to give everything up to follow God, but I'm not ready. I'm not mentally or emotionally there, and the thought that I might never be ready to be a true disciple of Jesus makes me so sad.
no subject
Yes, we do. However, the more I try to work on my spiritual life, the more I realize how immature I am in that aspect of my life. If I am in fact a disciple, then I'm a pretty crappy one. Judas was a disciple of Jesus too, heck, he was even an apostle, and we all know how that ended. I would love to believe that I am not like Judas (I hope, I'm not, although we probably all are sometimes like Judas), but more like Thomas, or Simon Peter. There is a long way for me to go, but I still have hope. I say this, not in a self deprecating way, but in a sincere realization of where I am, and in looking at people around me whom I admire, who are further along, and finally having some idea of where I want to go.